The Best Chunin Exams Ever
by psytronix
Summary: The Chunin Exams are held in Konoha this year - what could go wrong? This is a PARODY-based, PARODY-filled, PARODY-structured PARODY fic. Oh: Genderbends, Harem, Stupid Stuff, and God knows what else. Edited by The Immortal Doctor Reid!
1. UGH

A/N: As it will probably say in the title, this is a parody fic. Just to give you another bit of warning, this is PARODY PARODY PARODY PARODY motherfucking PARODY.

You've been sufficiently warned.

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><p>The day started as it usually did for Naruto. He'd awake, groggily, then proceed to shuffle down his bedroom hallway till he found his oddly restocked fridge. He didn't know who did it, but every morning the young blonde ball of energy would wake up to find his fridge with new, fresh food.<p>

It was one of the many odd things he came to accept as part of his not-so-normal life. He didn't take it for granted, because he was still able to remember a time when he had nothing and no-one.

Granted, Naruto Uzumaki was still a pretty lonely kid by "normal" standards.

Anyway, today was the day of the official beginning of the Chunin Exams. This year, they were held in Konoha. Of course, Naruto didn't know that.

As he showered later on, a mysterious presence looked on at him from outside his bathroom window.

Not that Naruto noticed this, however.

After a few minutes, Naruto was finally ready to take on the day. And so, he stepped out of his average apartment and was instantly shocked to find his sensei crouched on a railing just outside his door.

If Kakashi noticed Naruto's presence, he didn't do anything to acknowledge it, beyond a simple glance at the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki.

The mask, Kakashi surmised, was an excellent way to hide facial features, funnily enough. There were some things he didn't want enemies, strangers, and casual citizens seeing, and there were things he didn't want _Naruto_ seeing.

Namely, the fact that Kakashi was actually a woman.

A silent gasp so sarcastic that it would make a comedian cringe could be heard, miles, and miles away from Kakashi and the young blonde.

Not only that, but this _female_ cycloptic cynic also had feelings for her student.

Feelings that shouldn't be reserved for someone half her age. Or for someone who was the son of her old sensei, either.

But she couldn't help it. Something about him, ever since she first truly met him at the academy, made her believe that there was still something worth living for. After the death of her closest friends, and those she considered family, she thought it would be a lot harder to maintain herself in a teaching job.

Somehow, as it always was, and how it'd probably always be, Naruto had managed to prove her wrong.

And, from what she'd observed silently, like she had earlier on Naruto showering, he had managed to prove so many others wrong as well. Every civilian who had ever told him that he'd be nothing was proved wrong on that fateful day Naruto received his headband.

The very same, that-

"Yo, Kakashi? Earth to Pervy-McPervPerv, are you there?" Naruto asked, waving his hand in front of his teacher's blank stare.

"The lights are on, there's no-one home, huh? The wheel is spinning, the mouse is dead, maybe? …Kakashi?" Naruto kept asking the deep-in-thought teacher, who suddenly and bashfully snapped to attention.

"Sorry, Naruto, I was day-dreaming for a second." Kakashi covered up, the mask hiding her flushed face.

'_Of how beautiful our children would look, wrapped up and held in our arms…'_ She added silently, as an afterthought.

"Well you don't usually show up to my apartment without giving me a mission or telling me something. So what is it?" Naruto asked a third time. Kakashi drew up blanks in her mind, before realising why she came to the blonde's apartment, besides to spy on him.

"Ah, now I remember. I want you to arrive at our usual training grounds at three in the afternoon. I have some important news for you, and your team-mates." Kakashi informed the aspiring genin. Naruto nodded vehemently.

"Alright. I have to leave now to tell Sakura and Sasuke. I'll see you there..." Kakashi farewelled, packing away her erotic novel.

'…_My love…'_ She added dreamily in her thoughts, before using the body flicker technique to whisk herself away.

Naruto shrugged his shoulders offhandedly, and walked away to go about his usual daily routine.

(Meanwhile, In Kumogakure)

A sat at her desk, lifting a dumbbell repeatedly with one hand, and going over her genin applicants to this year's Chunin Exam. Her sister sat on a lounge in her office, casually throwing a ball against a wall and catching it.

"Once more." A commanded simply. Killer Bee caught the ball and didn't throw it again.

"Three teams. Mine, consisting of Karui, Omoi, and Samui. Your team, consisting of Yugito, Atsui, and Darui. And the final team, led by C, consisting of Motoi, J, and Mabui." Killer Bee explained robotically, going back to throwing her ball.

"That seems right… But aren't half of those ninja too old to be attending the Chunin Exams?" A asked her sister. Bee caught her ball again and looked at her older sister with a confused look.

"Nope. They're all the same age and they're all female. Nothing's wrong there." Bee answered.

A looked down at her application forms before sighing.

"Alright then…"

(Back in Konoha)

Naruto heard that sound again. The odd sarcastic gasp that could be heard from a great distance. He shrugged the noise off again, possibly thinking it to be a coincidence. He then decided on continuing with his daily routine, which, on this day, would consist of him bugging his friends for an hour before he began to train.

Kiba's seemed like a good stop first, so he decided on going there.

(Yet, somewhere elsewhere)

Shion, the princess of the Land of Demons, was overlooking herself in her mirror, admiring her own beauty and body. Her supple, curvy curves, her large breasts, and her voluptuous thighs.

Yes, yes… What mere, mortal man could resist her?

_'Hmm… This happens all the time in love stories. The princess meets a lowly knave whilst visiting a foreign country, and after an altercation or two about class differences, they realise they love each other.'_ Shion thought with a wistful sigh.

'_But what are the chances of that happening to me, Shion, the theocratic leader of a nation, while visiting a foreign country? It would be an extreme coincidence for me to meet such a person, in some cute, yet unique circumstance. And really, how often does that happen in real life?' _She continued to think, brushing her hair idly.

'_Now off to the massive, yet somehow hidden village filled with bizarre ninja people with amazing and somewhat ridiculous powers!' _The pale blonde thought, before finally getting dressed.

The Hokage himself had invited her to represent her country in what would be the first time in over ten years. Granted, Hiruzen could see why, being that her mother died protecting her, and thus left her to rule the country alone.

But still, Shion held to the notion of romance, and decided it wouldn't be a bad idea to attract some attention here and there.

Because, if the stories she'd read told her anything, it was that these kind of political visitations always, _always_ result in some hot-blooded, loving romance.

(Back In Konoha)

Naruto finished seeing Kiba, and bid his dog-like friend a swift farewell.

Little did he know of the going's on behind the Inuzuka Head Clan House's Door.

Because inside, the sounds of a genjutsu dispelling could be heard, and the characteristic puff of smoke that followed it could be seen just as well. The obviously female-

(Back With Naruto)

There it was again.

That damn sarcastic noise.

(Back with the Inuzuka's)

As was being said, the obviously female form slumped against the door and breathed in heavily, her face a bright beet red with lust and want. Her mother passed by, took one glance and smirked a devilish smirk.

"That was Naruto again, wasn't it?" Her mother asked her, already really knowing the answer. Hell, Naruto was the only person who could get her daughter riled up like that. It reminded her of her younger self and her old partner.

"Sh-shut up, mom!" Kiba bit back, her hands shaking, her mind feebly telling them to stop reaching for her aching, sensitive taint.

"Kiba! Not in the foyer! Do you forget what rule number one in this house is?" Tsume barked forcefully, making Kiba stop and look down disdainfully.

"No public masturbation about the boy you've had a crush on ever since that fateful first day in the Ninja Academy…" Kiba said lowly.

"That's right. Now go to your room and think about what you've done! And then, masturbate!" Tsume ordered. Kiba nodded and walked up to her room.

(Meanwhile, in Otogakure)

"Yes, it's the perfect plan. We harness the energy of the Ninja Soulstar to reincarnate various undead kunoichi, take over the world, and live like queens!" Orochimaru, the legendary snake sage cackled to herself, rubbing her hands together much like a villain would.

"It's completely full-proof! Nothing could go wrong here, not even a silver lining of dramatic irony which will forecast my doom and bring about a change in perspective of my method of thinking!" Boasted the slithery, evil woman, who beckoned her right hand to a table that lay in front of her.

"Come, Kabuto… Your mission begins, now. Assemble Misumi, and Yoroi, and head out immediately." She ordered, gaining a silent nod from the shadows, and a quick flurry of wind.

(Back in Konoha)

Naruto got that shiver down his spine as he consumed his umpteenth bowl of ramen for post-breakfast, not that much mind was paid to the sensation. He didn't know why he ate so much, but he could've always chalked it up to the fox that resided within his seal.

That seemed to be the answer to everything odd in his life. And it was often how others gave reason to Naruto's weird habits.

"How does this batch taste, Naruto?" Ayame – the sweet ramen chef asked him, to which he smiled, with a mouthful of noodles. He slurped up the last of the broth and bore a toothy grin.

"It's fantastic, as always. My compliments to you, and Teuchi!" Naruto praised with a chuckle, patting his stomach in satisfaction. He put a thick wad of ryo bills on the counter and left with a small goodbye to the two chefs.

As he left, however, Teuchi and Ayame went into the back of their shop for a quick meeting.

A puff of smoke could be seen poofing out from the back of the shop, and another female voice could be heard…

(With Naruto)

Naruto shivered again, this time with an intensity that made his knees feel like frozen jelly, and that made the hairs on the back of his neck stand eerily.

"Oh, God… Something extremely disturbing is happening nearby, and I know it's going to come back and find me, somehow…" Naruto mumbled to himself, not that anyone could hear.

Again – he attributed this unnatural fourteenth sense to the fox's meddling in his life. After leaping away from the scene of the disturbance in the force his chakra, the young Jinchuuriki's mind went to meeting up with some more of his friends.

(In Kirigakure)

This was an impeccable sight. In the midst of civil war – there was a brief moment of reprieve where previously the native citizens of Kirigakure loyal to their current Mizukage Yagura had been endlessly squaring off against the rebellion of Mei Terumi, and her separatists.

What was the cause for the brief moment of reprieve, you ask?

"Mizukage, Mei – this war needs to stop. You're endangering the lives of innocent civilians, and what's worse – our aspiring genin might miss the chance to prove themselves in the Chunin Exams." A random, non-existent-in-canon character who was solely in that moment of time to move the plot along, said. They gained odd looks from the non-warring heads of the civil war.

"Uh… Who are you? And why did you call us here?" Yagura asked, her arms crossed underneath her sizable bosom. The town official sighed, bringing pinching the bridge of their nose.

"I'm a character with no real importance or development, here to move the plot forward. Let's just say I'm a neutral town official, or something. I called you here to put a stop to the war for a moment. Obviously you both know the Chunin Exams are coming up in Konoha, and that we need to send our genin there so our village can get a good name!" The town official explained, with both leaders of the opposing forces thinking on the thought.

"That does sound logical. Alright – for the moment, we will sign a treaty declaring temporary peace. AndIvolunteertorepresentthevillage!" Mei shouted hastily at the end, getting a sour look from Yagura.

"Bullshit! I'm all for a temporary peace treaty, but there's no way you're representing Kirigakure! I'm the current Mizukage, I should represent the village!" Yagura bosted, attempting to stare down Mei, even though the redhead had a head's length of height on her. Mei puffed her chest out and scoffed dismissively.

"Oh please, half the village was murdered under your reign! You wouldn't know how to act in front of the other Kage!" Mei said, with her back facing the diminutive Jinchuuriki. Yagura was taken aback by the statement, and felt genuinely offended.

"And you're one to speak!? You'd probably whore yourself out to them for better trade deals!" Yagura insulted. Mei's face hid behind her bangs, and a dangerous glint flashed in her eye.

"Tiny bitch." She muttered angrily, with a small puff of air flaring through her nostrils.

"Slut." Yagura muttered back.

"Ponce."

"Plot-Staller."

"Fourth-Wall-Breaker."

"Sentence-Runner-Onner."

"Alright! Enough! You're both going to represent the village with the genin in Konoha, or no-one's going, and this village falls! It's your choice!" Said the town official, before disappearing from this story forever.

Yagura and Mei looked on at the sight before looking to each other, then at the ground angrily.

"Truce?"/"Truce?" They asked simultaneously.

(Back in Konoha)

Naruto, not looking where he was going, ran into someone familiar.

Literally.

But before the pale-skinned, lavender-eyed, purple–haired, timidly-behaved Hyuuga heiress could fall, Naruto caught her, and the basket she was carrying, without letting either get destroyed. As he pulled her up, and she regained her bearings, he was smiling smugly on the inside.

'_Yes! Fuck you, cheap plot-twists and over-used scenarios; I'm not fucking __this__ one up today!'_ Naruto thought to himself proudly, smiling at his friends.

"Hey Hinata! What's up?" He greeted. Hinata, as always, blushed at the close contact with her long-time crush, and stammered in her words before speaking.

"A-ah, hello, Naruto. I-I-I was actually l-looking for you!" She stammered out, handing Naruto her basket, with a shy smile on her face. Naruto stared at the basket oddly, before Hinata blushed a deeper shade of red.

"Oh, sorry! These are for you, Naruto. I-I baked them, myself!" She said, handing Naruto the basket of delicious smelling baked-goods.

"Wow… Uh, thanks, Hinata! These smell great!" Naruto said, reaching into the basket and feeling the warmth of a pastry. He graciously slipped the food out of the basket and ate it tentatively, enjoying the sweet, fruity palette, before consuming the rest of it enthusiastically.

"Theeth are grape!" He said with a mouthful of food, making Hinata giggle.

'_This is just weird. Why'd she give me these? Eh, why question it? Her laugh's cute.'_ He thought again, before feeling the explosion of flavour in his mouth.

(Somewhere near Konoha)

"Ugh… I feel like a walking bullseye, here." Mumbled a hunched form, as it slowly drifted its way into the Konoha gates.

"Just act natural, no-one is going to recognise us!" Declared a flamboyant form, who was wearing a bright red cloak with black clouds.

"Tobi, if this idea fucks up, which it will, I'm going to kill you, yeah?" Another said, tugging at her hot robes.

"You worry too much, senpai! Just act natural – and no one will know who we are!" Declared the flamboyant form again, before rocking up towards the Konoha gate guards – Kotetsu and Izumo.

Said guards were close to drowsing off in their post, before they caught sight of the multiple, varied group of kunoichi in red cloaks slowly walking up to them.

Izumo raised an eye to his partner, who had the same look of confusion, but thought nothing of it.

'_Must be from some newly formed village that we haven't heard about.'_ Kotetsu thought, with a shrug of his shoulders, and a pinch of the bridge of his nose.

"Hello, and welcome to Konohagakure. May we please see your passports?" He asked robotically, looking at the odd lady who had a spiral mask on.

A disturbingly _familiar_ spiral mask.

"Why, certainly! Me and my companions just came down from… Seishigakure." She said, handing the guards her passport, and smiling at them from behind it – not that they could notice.

Izumo pulled his partner back and pretended to look at some important documents.

"Hey, doesn't she look like that psychopath who unsealed the Nine Tailed Fox, killing Minato's girlfriend in the process?" He whispered to his partner, trying to look as casual as possible. Kotetsu darted a shy glance back at the lady, and her passport.

After that, he chuckled mirthfully.

"No, you dope. This lady's got a monocle and a moustache. They couldn't possibly be the same person!" He deduced, getting an agreeing chuckle from his friend.

"Hah, you're probably right. Alright, bring 'em through." He said, bringing up the forms needed for the groups stay at Konoha.

'_I… don't believe that just worked. Did that really just work?'_ Thought a member of the group who had a giant, not-imposing-at-all three-pointed reaper's scythe strapped to her back.

It seemed like their job had just become infinitely easier.

(With Naruto)

The young blonde had somehow managed to meet up with Kakashi once more. Or was it Kakashi who had met with Naruto? Nevertheless, the two walked on the streets, talking of techniques they could utilise to train more effectively.

That was, until Naruto caught sight of ten or so kunoichi standing in an odd formation, looking straight at him and Kakashi. Some of them looked at him with creepy smiles, others with looks of hunger. All Naruto knew was that they scared him to no end.

"Hey, Kakashi – who are those ninja?" He asked, clearly seeing their headbands.

Kakashi, still cloaked in her male appearance, took a close look at the group.

"Hmm… About ten of them, red clouds on black cloaks, scratched out headbands… OH SHI- Oh wait, these guys have black clouds on red cloaks! They're just some visiting ninja from a few towns over, Naruto. Nothing to worry about, at all!" "He" said cheerily, waving politely to the kunoichi.

"Hello, friends! Isn't the weather lovely today?" Kakashi asked them, her eyes crooking in the appearance of a smile. The woman with a spiral mask, monocle, and fake moustache waved back just as enthusiastically.

"Hello, stranger! The weather's just grand!" She said, with a smile hidden behind a mask of her own.

"Tobi… I can't believe this goddamned idea worked. I just can't fucking believe it." Said the blonde haired member of the group, who had taken her hood off to cool down.

"Yay! Does this mean Tobi can become a proper member, now?" She asked with the giddiness of a five year old.

"No." Came the strong, echoing reply of the entire group, who were all praying for a failed infiltration turned bloodbath.

(In Kusagakure)

Muku, Ryuuzetsu, and Karin – three characters who existed at some point in the Naruto universe. Despite the validity of whether or not Karin was actually from this place, she joined both her female teammates – and her only friends as they calmly wound down from their training, on a bench near their training ground.

And, despite their never, ever being hinted at being in a team at all, the three kunoichi were, and talked about their upcoming visit for to Konoha for the Chunin Exams.

"So… Do you think there'll be any cute boys?" Muku asked awkwardly, having run out of things to say, and only being able to think of ramen.

Muku didn't think on boys that much, actually. Ryuuzetsu looked to the leader of Kusagakure's daughter.

"We're going to a foreign nation that has a population thirteen times the size of ours, with a male population that dwarfs even Kumo's. No, I don't think there'll be any cute boys, Muku." Ryuuzetsu said without a hint of sarcasm in her voice.

Karin looked to her friends oddly, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose.

"Are you guys kidding me? The writer wouldn't spend so much time attempting and failing to characterise us properly if he wasn't going to wed us off to random strangers we'll come to love for some odd reason." Karin explained, figuratively shattering the fourth wall separating _you_ and them.

"Huh. Maybe you're right." Muku added, _now_ thinking a little about boys.

"Who knows. It might not be multiple people. We all might just fall in love with one guy." Ryuuzetsu said, with a resounding sigh.

A silence fell over the group, before Karin stood, and stretched her arms.

"Come on. Let's get something to eat. We're thinking too hard on this shit." She said, shivering with disgust. Muku ran a hand through her hair and exhaled sharply, before standing up and joining the redhead.

"Way ahead of ya'." She said, dragging Ryuuzetsu along with her.

(Back in Konoha)

Naruto arrived at his team training ground, seeing Sasuke already there, setting some trees on fire like a rational, calm person with no anger or pride issues. As soon he detected the presence of the fabled Knucklehead ninja, however, he turned around and wiped the sweat from his brow.

"Sasuke." Naruto said with a nod in greeting.

"Hmm." Sasuke said, nodding back. He then went back to what he was doing, this time throwing sharp objects at trees, much like a rational, calm person with no anger or pride issues would.

Naruto then sat and waited around, feeling exhausted from the little work he did that day.

"Hi, Naruto!" The nether-banshee from Whore Island greeted. Naruto smiled at her.

"Hey, Sakura. What's up?" He asked her. She shrugged her shoulders and sat down next to the blonde with an exasperated sigh.

"Mom had me doing chores all day. I barely had any time to train, and when I did, I felt completely drained and exhausted afterwards. Feels good now, though. What about you?" The cunt asked him. Naruto shrugged his shoulders, much like she did, and thought on his day.

"Well, do you want the long version, or the short version?" He asked her. Sakura looked to her watch and gave a judgemental look in a northerly direction.

"The long version. Kakashi won't be here for a while." She said bitterly, her mood clearing afterwards.

"Well, first I woke up to find that someone had literally come into my house when I was sleeping, and single-handedly restocked my fridge with food. Wait… No, I think it was like… Eight people – girls, I think, came into my house and snuck around while I was out cold." He began, recounting this information as if it wasn't startling or alarming. Sakura's eyes went wide.

'_Shit. He's starting to catch on.'_ She thought, regaining her composure and acting dumb.

"The hell? How do you know it was eight people?" She asked him, fake-shocked that he thought this was normal.

"Well, when I woke up, I went to my bathroom mirror and noticed that there were eight kiss marks on my face – different shades of lipstick. Like, these girls had to have snuck into my house, replace the food in my fridge, then walk into my room, and kiss me – whilst I was sleeping." Naruto said, looking to the sky reflectively. Sakura got fake-outraged at this explanation.

"Why aren't you frightened? Or scared? Or creeped out!?" She asked him. Naruto shrugged his shoulders.

"Why should I be? They literally just came into my house like they do every week, and re-stocked my fridge. This was the first time they've kissed me, though. I think it's sweet, but I have no idea who the hell they are. I mean, fucking hell – I think one time one of them even fixed my busted heater." The young blonde said, with a disbelieving chuckle. Sakura just looked at him oddly.

'_Thank God he's a goof, otherwise I'd be afraid of him catching on any further.'_ Sakura thought internally.

'_**CHA!'**_ Her inner voice quipped in agreement.

"…Fair enough. How was the rest of your day?" She asked him, before Kakashi appeared before them in a gust of wind.

"Boo!" He shouted, throwing off the two unprepared ninja.

"Ah! Don't scare us like that again, you fu-" Sakura prepared to say, before Naruto put a hand over her mouth.

"Hello, team. I- Wait a minute… where's Sasuke?" He asked his two students. Naruto pointed behind the cycloptic ninja with his free hand.

"Thanks. Sasuke, come here!" He ordered, with the Uchiha cancelling his technique, and walking over to his sensei.

"Alright. It's my job now to inform you guys that the Chunin Exams are coming up in a month's time. You have the option to take them or not, and I should warn you, there's a high chance you'll die. But, given that you're main characters, I wouldn't worry." He explained, gaining odd looks from the genin.

"What?" They chorused.

"Never mind. For you to legally participate in these exams, you have to sign these forms. This is the next step in becoming a great ninja – and that is taking risks. To get better at anything – you have to be willing to risk your very life. Here." He said inspiringly, handing the forms to Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura.

Naruto peered down at the form, and pulled out a pen he kept on his person, signing the documentation with his simple signature.

Although he didn't realise it, that piece of paper held more importance than Naruto could've ever hoped to fathom.

For it was the beginning of The Best Chunin Exams Ever.

(Somewhere in the Aburame Clan Compound)

There she was, panting heavily, her juices staining her already soaked thighs – her fingers jilling her moistened pussy feverishly, and a hand harshly groping her left breast, twisting her nipples passionately.

At first, she kept her pleasure silent, but the thought of being caught, in her room full of posters of her crush, with a photo of the young lad pressed against her bare navel made her so much more wet than before.

She imagined being caught by him, mid-masturbation, him removing her fingers and licking her juices clean off them, before laying himself above her, with her hands running down his firm, hardened chest, caught in a heated kiss whose love and passion would warm the heart of the world's most formidable cynic.

Then she imagined him taking her in his arms, lifting her up, and fucking her slowly, and pleasurably. There, he'd reach her centre, her very core, and rock her world – shatter her mind with a blinding orgasm that'd leave her wanting more.

And when they'd finish, she'd lick him, up and down, cleaning his body of their combined fluids, before he'd take her lips in a kiss, and hug her close to him, letting her rest for a bit as they whispered sweeting nothings into each other's ear.

"OH FUCK!" Shino screamed, squirting violently in a sustained, powerful orgasm. Her body went limp, and her body started to jitter and shiver in her orgasmic glow.

"Na… Naruto…" She moaned, hugging the picture of the boy to her bosom. Shino laid there for several minutes, riding out her orgasmic high to its end. Sluggishly, she rose from her bed and dressed herself.

_'I should begin to prepare.'_ She thought to herself.

_'Why? The weekly rave begins in approximately two hours and seventeen minutes. I should assist Mother with baking the pot brownies.'_

(Epilogue)

Hiruzen Sarutobi – the proclaimed "God of Shinobi", the "Professor", was taking out his favourite de facto grandson to his favourite ramen stand, for his favourite dish.

"So, how was today, Naruto?" He asked him, lighting his pipe and taking a small puff. Naruto began with a massive slurp of the noodles, and swallowed them eagerly.

"It was pretty good, pops. Did some training, the usual stuff. But what was weird was this odd feeling that came over me every now and again." Naruto said, taking a bite of the marinated meat that swam lazily in the ramen broth. Hiruzen stopped breathing in smoke and let out a puff through his nose.

"Hmm? What sort of odd feeling, Naruto?" He asked. Naruto took a break from sipping his noodles to think on the experience.

"It's like… For a brief moment, you feel scared - beyond all reason, because something so surreal is happening that it's just horrifying at first. But then you feel acceptance, because you don't know what's happening, and then happiness, because you think you might benefit later on because of what's happening." Naruto explained, stirring the bowl idly. Hiruzen looked at the boy with a shocked expression.

"Huh." He exclaimed, before darting his gaze rightwards to a larger-than average chakra source.

"Say, Naruto..." The Hokage started, looking towards a group of ten or so women who were hiding lazily behind a telephone pole on the side of the street.

'_Good lord, if this works somehow, I will punch Tobi in the tit. If it doesn't, I'll kill her.'_ Thought the blonde demolitionist.

"Yeah?" Naruto asked, momentarily taking his attention away from his bowl of ramen to look at his "grandfather".

"Who are those women hiding behind that telephone pole?" He asked pointing to the oddly familiar looking group of kunoichi. The ninja closest to them, appeared shocked, even though she had a mask on, and jumped out from the pole's cloaking, with one hand rubbing the back of her head shyly.

"We're... Ikatsuka, yeah, Ikatsuka! We're a family folk band!" The masked one explained.

"Family band?" Naruto asked, a little confused. Didn't he see these people before?

"Yep, family band!" The masked woman confirmed immediately.

"But the tallest one's blu-" Hiruzen began, before being cut off.

"We don't see colour, you racist!" Yelled the Masked woman, before storming off.

"Come, family! Let us get away from this bigoted place, and practice our new song – "Pacifism Solves Everything!"" She declared, her "family" begrudgingly dragging their feet behind her.

"Tobi… I'm going to fucking kill you…" Muttered the blue haired woman who was following right behind her.


	2. CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

A/N: As always, The Immortal Doctor Reid helped a cuntload with this. Visit his page.

My other shit is being updated, don't worry. I'm just very, very slow at it.

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><p>Sasuke walked home, with his Chunin Exam form in one hand, and a ripe, juicy tomato in his other.<p>

'_Better hide this fucking thing. One day you say you like 'em, the next every woman is trying to buy you a cornucopia of them.'_ He thought to himself, stuffing the tomato in his pocket carefully. He sighed, put his hands in his pockets, and strolled down to his barren wasteland of a clan compound he was forced to call a home.

Life was hard for the young Uchiha boy. His parents were murdered by his older brother – the canon storyline is well known.

But, it was just emotionally numbing, every day, having someone from the Konoha Council come to hand him an allowance, having private training scheduled daily, and having hundreds of girls throw themselves at him.

Everyone wanted to fix his emotional damage by filling that void in his life with material possessions, and girls who were looking for a trophy boyfriend. Sasuke sighed again, and started to run home, a stray tear streaking down his face and hitting the ground as he leapt away.

Very soon, he was inside his lonely house, the door closed, his Chunin Exam form on the table, and the tomato still in his pocket.

It was times like this he looked to Naruto.

Sure, Sasuke had it tough, excluding the material possessions and all that, but there was a time the young Uchiha could _barely_ remember where Naruto had nothing. Sasuke had parents who loved him, and despite his brother's actions, a sibling who loved him. He had a massive, empty, regal compound to himself, with hundred year old libraries full of clan techniques fit for any style of ninja.

Naruto didn't have any parents, clan, or, until he was five, at least, a house of his own. He managed to face the bleak world around him with a smile, and come out on top.

Plus, there were all those fights he, Naruto, Sakura, and Kakashi had with random missing ninja. Somehow, even if everyone was tied up and near death, and the enemy ninja _clearly_ had the upper hand in every way imaginable, Naruto would find some way to turn the tides.

And every time Sasuke witnessed one of these moments, he lost a little bit of sanity.

Sasuke quickly searched around his house, and sighed in comfort. He held his hands together, as if to release a technique – and did so.

In a puff of smoke, revealed a female Sasuke. The author didn't quite feel like putting an explanation of how she looked, because, let's face it: it was all about imaging the character with a slightly more feminine face and tits.

Seriously, that's all there is to it.

Anyway, this newly revealed Sasuke sighed as she sat down at her kitchen counter, looking over the form tiringly.

Her thoughts went back to that little goofball. She realised that she, along with some others, had helped him retain his happiness with their constant midnight visits to his house, but Naruto's story was inspiring nonetheless.

"Blah, blah, blah… High risk of death, blah, blah, blah…" She murmured to herself, reading over the form. She grabbed the ripe, red tomato, and took a big bite out of it, savouring the juices in her mouth.

'_Hmm… I wish, just to be with him. He'd understand me. He wouldn't try to gloat over me and offer me wealth or fame. He'd offer me love.'_ She sighed internally, thinking of Naruto, again.

But why didn't she just reveal herself, and profess her love to him, you ask?

Why, the Konoha Council, of course. It's always the fucking Council. Does our character have a dark background? They must be from the Council. Has your character's pet/family member/imaginary friend been murdered? It must've been the council!

Is our character forbidden from revealing her true form to her one love, lest she be discriminated against because she's a woman?

Oh, ho, ho.

You fucking _bet_ it's the Council who's screwing her over. It's the goddamn satanic, puppy-killing, baby-seal-clubbing Council who'd make her have sex with strangers if they knew she was a woman.

Anyway, I digress. We're done here, for now.

(Team Kurenai)

"Kiba? Something wrong? You look a little flustered…"Kurenai said, putting her hand to her pupil's head, noticing the canine ninja's red cheeks.

Team Kurenai were in a secluded, deserted section of the forest they called their training ground – surrounded on all sides by concealing seals. The reasoning behind this being that their sensei, Kurenai, knew of her student's secrets.

Don't ask how she knew – that's back story. And this piece of fiction is _not_ for back story.

"Uh… During training, you got me to go into my training stance, a-a-and… I imagined that I had N-N-Naruto pinned under m-me, a-and…-" Kiba began, in her revealed female form. Kurenai put a finger up and nodded understandingly.

"First off, that's gross. You're like, what, thirteen?" She asked her student. Kiba looked shocked for a moment before she responded.

"No, I'm sixteen. It's-" Kiba began again, before Kurenai put her finger up again.

"Fair enough. Behind that bush, back here in five minutes." She ordered with a backwards throw of her thumb, knowing that Kiba knew what she meant. Kiba nodded feverishly and rushed behind a secluded bush to answer her carnal call.

Kurenai looked to Hinata, the meek one. She observed her taijutsu form to be appropriate, and looked around hurriedly for her third student, before keenly noticing a fourth chakra presence enter her seal's proximity.

"You're late, Shino." Kurenai said with a warning tone, her back to the insect user. Shino hurriedly apologised, and politely bowed to her sensei. Kurenai turned around to face her and looked her student straight in the eyes, before taking off her sunglasses, and noticing her bloodshot eyes.

"And you're high, as well." Kurenai stated, with a resentful sigh. Shino cleared her throat awkwardly and stammered.

"Y-y-yeah… I'm, uh… I'm wired as fuck, though." Shino said, getting into her family stance, and summoning a small colony of kikai bugs to attack a nearby tree.

Kurenai rubbed her temples, and saw that Kiba had come back, with a more peaceful look on her face.

"Listen, I realise you're all probably stressed out, but come on. You have to train incredibly hard for these exams. They're here to teach you that out in the real world, you can die. And you can die in the exam, as well. Hinata's the only competent member of the team, as of right now." Kurenai berated her students, gathering them in a small audience.

"Kiba – you're always too focused on Naruto to fight effectively. Get your masturbation done elsewhere, or just up and fuck the poor boy now!" She ordered Kiba once more, stopping the canine kunoichi before she could leap off in search of Naruto.

"Not "now" now! "Later" now!" The genjutsu master yelled. She then looked to Shino.

"And Shino; you can't spend every night partying-"

"Deejaying."

"Whatever. You can't spend all night awake and taking drugs if you want to become a great kunoichi!" She drilled into Shino's head. She sighed and shook her own before looking back up at her students awkwardly.

"Wait, wait, wait. Are you guys main characters or support characters?" She asked the aspiring genin.

"Support." They chorused back. Kurenai's gaze went narrow, as if in deep thought.

"…But you're all in love with the protagonist, aren't you?" She asked with a dead tone look.

"Oh, God, yes. / Y-y-y-yes, Kurenai-sensei! / Yep." They answered back all at once.

Kurenai let out a grunt of exasperation.

"Alright, forget what I just said – Unless we're in a tragic story, none of you will die. No matter what happens."

"Kiba, keep masturbating. But get laid pretty damn soon."

"Yes, sensei!"

"Shino, and I can't believe I'm saying this – keep up the drug use. But not when you're no doubt pregnant with Naruto's children."

"Yes, sensei."

"And Hinata…"

"Yes, sensei?"

"Hinata… Same deal as Kiba. Find Naruto as soon as possible."

"Ye-Yes, sensei!"

(In Kumogakure)

Killer Bee was training with _her_-

Oh wait, we dealt with this last chapter, didn't we? Yes, all the blokes from Kumo are now female.

Killer Bee – one of the two Jinchuuriki who hailed from Kumogakure, was training with her team – which consisted of Samui, Omoi, and Karui. Not much could be said about the team, as they didn't say much either.

Bee didn't care much though. Gave her more silence to rap in, and to annoy them.

She looked down at the forms she had in her hands as her girls were caught in a 3-way spar. Blowing a shrill whistle, the young genin assembled in front of their sensei quickly, bowing low.

"Here are your Chunin Exam forms. I think you went through this with the Raikage at that assembly yesterday, right?" She asked them, particularly Samui. She was the organised, de facto leader of the team when Bee was away.

She nodded silently, free of all attempts at weak characterisation.

"Thank God we're all orphans, then. No-one'll miss us if we die." Omoi said darkly, signing her paper and handing it back to Bee. The Jinchuuriki scratched the back of her head and lowered her glasses to look at her students.

"Orphans? I thought you guys just had parents off-screen, like most of the people in this series." Bee tried to justify. Karui handed her paper back to her sensei.

"No. People in this series always have everything going right for them constantly, or the complete opposite. If your parents aren't on-screen and have a crazy amount of love for you, they were probably killed, or abandoned you." Karui explained.

"At least, that's how the fan-fiction writers will try and make it." Samui explained further, gaining a reluctant nod from Bee.

"Riiight… Anyway – that's fucking dark, Omoi. Lighten up – you're bound to meet someone who'll make you forget about the world, some day." Bee said, looking up to the sky.

"How can you know that, sensei?" She asked her. Bee sighed and pulled her glasses down again.

"Come on. Didn't you read the previous paragraphs? Or the first chapter? I don't think anyone's going to be lonely ever again, after these Exams…" The young rapper said, taking a swig from a canteen on her belt.

"Get some rest, guys. We leave for Konoha in eighteen hours, with the other two genin teams." She ordered, getting nods from all three of them. Karui and Omoi jumped away from their training grounds, but Samui stayed behind.

"Wait, there's two more teams?" She asked, thinking of her team only.

"I wouldn't delve too deep into it, if I were you. Yeah, apparently there's three genin teams from Kumo now, and every member of them is about sixteen years old. It's some odd kind of plot device the author is going to use once, barely explain, and leave stagnant forever after – so just go with it." Bee ordered again. Samui nodded hesitantly.

"Yeah…"

(In Takigakure)

Gathered in front of the Takigakure Village Leader were her three eligible genin.

Fuu, the village Jinchuuriki – container of the Seven Tails.

Hoki – some random genin that was in the series for a brief three seconds.

And Shibuki – her daughter.

All three were women of course. By now you should just be expecting it.

"I'm proud of you three, I really am. You, out of our small, strong village, will represent us and bring us to glory. And, as your sensei, for some reason, I will guide you all to victory." She said, beaming at her students, who bowed in respect.

"Yes Sensei!" They chorused, standing straight. A fly flew pass Fuu's eyes, yet she remained still.

"Training will resume from now until midnight. Then, we will rest for six hours, and our journey to Konoha will begin." The leader said, getting more nods.

"Alright – Fuu, two tails of chakra! Shibuki, one sip of Hero Water! Hoki – I have no idea what you're supposed to do, but do it!" She called, beginning their six hour long fight.

"Yes, sensei!"

(In Sunagakure)

A group of three sisters were gathered on the rooftop of a massive, earthy dome in the walled city of Sunagakure.

"Gaara? You alright? You look like you haven't slept in the last sixteen years…" Kankuro asked her sister, who just turned her gaze to the puppet master without blinking. A long, heavy silence fell over the Sand Sisters before Gaara turned her gaze back to her sensei, Baki.

"No, I'm perfectly alright." She lied through her teeth, showing no emotion, however. Temari rested her chin on the end of her giant fan, shaking her head.

"Fuckin' weirdos." She mumbled to herself. The team was assembled in front of their sensei, who was appointed by their mother primarily to keep Gaara's insanity in check. At least, that's what Temari thought.

"Chunin Exams in Konoha. We leave at dawn. Protocol states that killing is only allowed within the Exam conditions. Gaara – you will have to keep your bloodlust satiated within the second portion of the Exam, then release your Biju when Orochimaru gives the signal, alright?" Baki said, staring at Gaara sternly.

"Mmhmm." She grunted in response. Baki looked back down at the paper, and sighed, looking at the fine print of the conditions. Kankuro was messing about with her puppets, not really listening to whatever her sensei just said.

"Oh, listen up! Exam protocol also states that every woman must be in love with a goofy protagonist by the end of this story. No idea what that means, but, take what you will from it." Baki ended, dismissing her group of genin.

The sisters then split up, Gaara to her isolated room, Kankuro to her workshop, and Temari to wander the streets, and to ponder what she'd attempt to do with her life.

'_Mother's signed a deal with Orochimaru to attempt to attack Konoha. Its military might far advances our combined forces, yet they think they can win just because they have Gaara? Impossible. I just want a parent who won't attempt to kill her daughter every time she expresses emotion. I wish Mom was still alive – maybe she'd have a solution to all this. Maybe she'd help Gaara out instead of shunning her. Maybe she wouldn't fail at appropriately characterising characters.'_ The sandy-blonde thought to herself quickly, thinking of going for a nap or training to get her mind off the depressing subject.

She sighed, stopped, and looked towards the setting, searing desert sun – the glowing orb washing the sky with a lustrous and vibrant orange, slowly radiating outwards into a light purple.

If there was one upside to living in a shithole in the middle of a barren wasteland, it was the sunsets.

(In Konoha)

Team 8 was gathered at their usual training grounds – a large, open court area, with plenty of surrounding forests and a stunted view of the village.

Asuma took another, long, sustained puff from his cigarette – a filthy habit he'd picked up from his father. He was currently dodging his team's combined efforts in bringing him down – evading Shikamaru's shadowy tendrils, Chouji's dangerous combat rolling, and successfully repressing Ino's attempt at using her bloodline.

Minutes passed, until all three of them started breathing in too much of the smoke, causing them to cough and retch uncontrollably. Asuma sighed, threw his cigarette on the ground, and stomped it out.

"Alright, what did you guys learn from that?" He asked them with a dull sigh, his thoughts and focus on something not related to training. Shikamaru took deep breaths, and stopped himself from vomiting in his collapsed position on the forest floor.

"That- Ugh- Smoking is an effective way to destroy children's lungs?" Shikamaru asked, holding his throbbing head in an attempt to stifle his coughing fits. Asuma sighed and let out an exasperated grunt.

"Besides that?"

"That not doing anything is the best way to becoming a jounin?" Chouji asked, breathing hard for pure air.

"…Besides that?"

"That… Fuck, I don't know – if we smoke, our enemies will never beat us?" Ino asked, teasing her sensei, who rubbed his temples in response, deeply massaging his headache away.

'_Of all the nameless kids you saw in the pilot episode, why was I put with the three biggest smartasses in Konoha?'_ He thought to himself, resisting the urge to punch all three of his team.

"You three are idiots. Often the simplest solution to beating an enemy is to tire them out! Now, again, and this time, you three try to outlast _me!_" Asuma commanded, getting into a fighting stance.

"Come on! Forget the fact that you guys are supposed to be a stealth / interrogation team! Let's train you in fighting in close quarters!" He yelled afterwards, letting the three rush him in a bloody scrap again.

(With Naruto)

A small boy approached the blonde Jinchuuriki, in the middle of Konoha, right as sunset was setting in.

"Watcha doin', boss?" Konohamaru asked Naruto, who was staring at the Hokage Monument. Naruto looked to his informal student, and tussled his hair with a small smile.

"Eh, not much. Thinking of what I could do to deface these guys again. I really, really think the Fourth could use a few more dicks on his face right now, but, whatever." Naruto said, much like an artist searching for inspiration on their next masterpiece would.

"You really, really have it out for that guy, don't you? Why?" The grandson of the Third asked. Naruto shrugged his shoulders quizzically. Konohamaru was there to witness Naruto's original defacement, and noticed that the first three Hokage were treated kindly compared the blondes rendition of the Fourth.

"No idea, but I always thought he deserved it for some reason. Alright, dicks it is then. I've already made sure that every supervising adult in the area is unconscious, and I have paint stored at the base of the Monument." Naruto said analytically, beginning to walk to the great tribute. He looked back at the young, naïve boy and smiled again.

"Wanna join?" Naruto asked him. Konohamaru nodded quickly and ran to the goofball's side.

"Dicks it is!" The child yelled in the empty street, making Naruto chuckle.

(With Team Gai)

In a secluded area in the woods, Team 10 was gathered…

"Lee!" The Green Beast of Konoha yelled, her voice piercing the heavens.

"Gai-sensei!" Her favourite student, and adoptive-not-adoptive daughter, Lee yelled back, with tears in her eyes.

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Le-"

"Would you two fucking quit it!? We've been here for four hours, and all we've heard is you two yelling at each other!" Neji yelled in a moment of flustered anger she didn't normally show. She huffed, and crossed her arms over her chest, a light pink tinging her cheeks.

Tenten sighed and slumped her shoulders.

"I have to agree with Neji. Literally, every time we begin training, you two always, always, fucking _always_ do this. I mean, good for you two being taijutsu champions, but our learning is suffering here." Tenten added, getting a noise of agreement from the Hyuuga.

Gai and Lee appeared bashful for a moment, before mumbling their mixed apologies. Gai then pulled her forms out from a black hole in the universe and cleared her throat.

"Chunin Exams! The readers have read this same block of text five times – are you really sure you need me to repeat this, students?" She asked seriously. Lee, Neji, and Tenten shook their heads quickly.

"No, we're good. We'd actually like to start training very, very quickly, though." Neji said, having calmed down. Gai nodded quickly.

"Yup, come on then! Lee - fifteen hundred push-ups, starting now! Neji, start doing that weird spinny thing! Tenten, if I see a single tree standing within my sight in the next three minutes, you're staying here 'till dark!" She ordered, blowing a whistle she had also pulled out of the black hole in the universe. Her students sighed, and did as they were told.

As Lee began doing her insane amount of push-ups, she thought of someone from her childhood. Someone whose life she had been separated from for eleven years.

'_Soon, Naruto. When these Exams start, I'll find you. Never mind my imaginary barrier separating us.'_ She thought to herself, with a fiery determination.

Neji, on the other hand, was pretty much thinking the exact same thing as Lee.

'_Soon, Naruto. When these Exams start, I'll find you. No longer will Hinata pressure you with her incessant stalking. You'll be mine, mine, mine. My… Slave-Husband…'_ She thought to herself, with a longing drone, rotating and spinning furiously.

Conversely, Tenten was pretty much thinking the exact same thing as her teammates.

'_Soon, Naruto. When thee Exams start, I'll find you. I have no idea why I'm attracted to you, but God damn it – I will find out.'_ Tenten thought as she massacred trees with a burning power.

Contrastingly, Gai was thinking the exact same thing her students were.

'_Now that that unyouthful law preventing me from adopting you for some reason will be gone soon, I'll finally be able to mother you properly, my little Naruto. And, heck, why not Lee, too?'_ She thought to herself, smiling, deciding to join Lee in burning off her excess Youthful Energy.

(In Iwa…)

Let's be honest here – who cares about Iwagakure? All it's got is rocks.

I guess I could be like every other piece of writing on this site and mention every single little village that you probably saw once in the show / manga like it's some big, professional, overarching storyline when it's actually overdone to death, but come on.

Just… Like… Imagine every character in Iwagakure who wasn't female originally is now female, like the rest of the male characters in this story.

If you forgot how to do that – just imagine them with a more feminine face + tits.

Oh – and for some reason, they're like… All going to the Chunin Exams when they weren't in the original story.

And, for an even _weirder_ reason, the characters have an odd attraction to Naruto – most having never even met the boy before.

So… Yeah. Let's see what Konoha's up to!

(Back In Konoha…)

"Meanwhile, with everybody's favourite family folk band, Ikatsuka…" Tobi began ominously in the middle of her group, getting several grunts and two smacks to her head.

"Shut UP, Tobi! I don't know how you've gotten us in this far, or why all Konoha security is fucking stupid, but I can assure you, it's all a fluke!" Sasori yelled, smacking Tobi on her cranium with her giant, metallic tail that no-one in public seemed to care about much.

Yahiko ignored their petty squabbles, and turned to the crippled Nagato, a deadly silence save for her laboured breaths filling the air. Nagato looked back at her old teammate with a narrowed gaze.

"Where's Konan? We sent her to observe the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki, and she hasn't reported back in…" Yahiko asked quietly, looking around the village, and seeing nothing but unknowing civilians and the occasional rushing ninja, setting up for the Exams.

"She's over there, writing loves notes - signing them as "Your rainy angel", all over every inch of her body, and sending them as paper airplanes to the Jinchuuriki." The disabled woman replied, pointing up high to the rooftop of a building near the Hokage Monument.

"That's odd..." Remarked Yahiko, flicking her hair out of her eyes to get a better look at the kunoichi doing exactly as Nagato had described.

"You think that's strange? Deidara's making figurines for the boy and she hasn't blown them up yet." The redhead added, making Yahiko turn her gaze backwards at the demolitions expert, who, again, was doing exactly as Nagato described.

Yahiko shivered deeply, noting Deidara's concentration on her making a model of her holding hands with the young Jinchuuriki – with a little love heart floating up in between them.

...Now that's fucked up." Yahiko commented, feeling the hairs on the back of her neck stand up unnaturally.

"And we've only been here for an hour!"

She looked back towards the group, and saw far back in the Zombie Sister's direction. The two were rifling through some photographs.

"No, my ass looks flat in that one. Your tits look nice, though, I'm sure he'd love that… Nope, nope, yes!" Hidan said, shifting and sorting through the nude photos she and Kakuzu had taken just a few minutes ago.

"No, you can't see my vag in that. We're giving the kid a gift – not trying to tease him…" Kakuzu commented, not looking on where she was going, and walking straight into one of her leaders. Some photos flew out of her hands, but Hidan was swift enough to catch them and hide them.

"What are you two doing?" Yahiko asked dangerously – not in the mood for nonsense.

"Sending nude photos to the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki." Kakuzu stated like nothing was off about her statement. Hidan's eyes went wide after hearing her partner, and she quickly punched her in the arm.

"Might I ask; why?" Yahiko asked them. Hidan stammered.

"W-w-well, I thought w-we c-c-could lure the… Lure the kid into a false sense of security! So, you know… He'd be easier to capture!" Hidan said, bullshitting as well as she could on the spot. Yahiko stared daggers at the essentially undead woman before turning her gaze frontwards once more.

"Fine. When the rest of the Jinchuuriki arrive, though, you'd better focus on your own target. Do I make myself clear?" Yahiko asked, getting feverish nods as a response.

"Good. Choose the second-to-last photo. It's a seductive pose, and you can see _almost_ everything. The boy would like that." Yahiko said, not looking at the two.

"Th-thanks, Leader." Hidan stammered back in a blush, taking the photo out of her pocket…

(Back in Kiri)

In the midst of civil war, peace was found. Amongst that peace, a team was formed to showcase Kiri's best talent. Gathered were the sisters Hozuki – Mangestu and Suigetsu, Mei Terumi's right-hand women, Ao, and Chojuro, and a supposedly missing ninja.

"Why am I even here? I'm supposed to be some god-forsaken missing ninja some little blonde kid threw in jail!" Raiga yelled at her elderly team leader, who pinched the bridge of her nose in exasperation.

"Three words, Raiga: Convenient Plot Devices! It's the only goddamn reason we even have a team to send to Konoha, anyway! Now, shut up and sit down!" Ao ordered, rubbing her agitated eye.

"Our two acting Mizukage have chosen me as the leader of this sorry excuse for a genin team, so-" Ao began, before Yagura's loyalists perked up.

"We aren't even genin! We're supposed to be jounin!" Mangetsu announced, her sisters hand covering her mouth before she could speak any more. Ao took a deep breath and puffed it out – stress evident in her facial features.

"Three words, Hozuki! What were the three fucking words I _just_ said to Raiga!?" Ao yelled at the now stunned and scared swordswoman.

"C-c-c-c-conv-v-v-"

"That's right! Convenient Plot Devices! That's why you're all perky, sexually mature sixteen to eighteen year olds! Just so you can have some strong, weird, unbreakable romance with some kid halfway across the world you've never met!" Ao ranted, taking deep breaths to steady and calm herself.

"Anyway, as I was saying… You are the sole genin team the acting Mizukage are sending to Konoha for the Chunin Exams. Suigetsu, Mangetsu – you two are front offence, Raiga – you're ranged support, and Chojuro – you're a forward scout / medic. Are we all clear on our roles in the team?" Ao said clearly and loudly, addressing the entire team.

"Yes…" They sighed. Ao chuckled angrily.

"Yes, what?"

"Uh- Yes, sensei!" The team yelled, with salutes, not wanting to be yelled at.

"That's better." Ao said, with a huff, looking at the Chunin Exam sheet. Chojuro fiddled with her glasses in the silence, staring at the angry Raiga, and cowering Hozuki sisters.

"Hey, sensei?" She asked Ao, who stopped reading the sheet.

"Yes, what is it?"

"If we're supposed to fall in love with this random guy we've never even met before, and if we're all supposed to be sixteen to eighteen year olds – where does that leave you?" She asked curiously, getting an uproarious, hearty chuckle from the aged war veteran.

"Don't you know anything, Chojuro? Apparently, even with the massive age difference, and the fact the relationship would probably never work in real-life circumstances, the boy apparently has a thing for older chicks as well as birds his own age!" She explained, satisfying Chojuro's questioning.

"That's pretty freakin' weird." Raiga said quietly. Suigetsu looked over to her with a sharp, toothy grin.

"That's not weird – that's normal for a piece of fanfiction." She said with an evil giggle, shattering the fourth wall like many had done before her.

(Hidden in Konoha)

In a dark, dank alley way of Konoha's streets, several dangerous ninja were gathered…

"Orochimaru's initial orders are to keep an eye on Uzumaki Naruto." Kabuto informed her team, consisting of Misumi, Yoroi, and an unnamed lackey. Yoroi looked to her leader oddly.

"…Why? What does he have to do with Orochimaru's plan?" She asked, with similar questions arising from Misumi and the other gal.

"No idea – I guess it's just for- Hey, wait a second, who the hell are you!?" Kabuto began, looking to her team, then to the unnamed character. She stuttered and stammered around words for a bit before giving a half-eligible answer.

"Hey- Come on, don't you know me? I'm, uh… Rinji!" She exclaimed. She saw Misumi rifle through a thick book titled "Canon Progression".

"…It says here you're not supposed to show up until we see Guren. And even then, you're on her damn team. What are you going to do when she shows up?" Misumi asked the scared kunoichi.

"Fake it?" She asked, getting "fair enough" nods as her answer.

"Alright… So yeah, I don't know why Orochimaru's sent us to keep an eye on him. It could possibly be due to the tactical need for- There he is! Be quiet!" Kabuto said, observing the young man from a shadow of the alley way along with the rest of her team.

The team then caught site of the blonde boy, who was travelling home in a paint-stained orange jumpsuit, having been up to mischief before their observation.

"He's… Pretty…" Rinji said, looking at the boy's cute whisker marks and messy hair.

"He's… Ripped…" Misumi said, eyeing up the boy's hardened muscle tone, through his old clothing.

"He's… Cute!" Yoroi said, noting his little sharpened canines and fox-like features.

"He's… Got a huge cock!" Kabuto yelled, stunned, pointing at the bulge that Naruto had hidden from everyone else in the near-barren street. Her team took glances at what she was pointing at, and all gasped loudly.

"Mutiny? Should we just kill Orochimaru, defect _back_ to Konoha, and marry him?" Misumi asked the team, pointing fingers at the enraptured ladies.

"I say we just skip that and marry the kid now. Much quicker." Rinji answered, not taking her eyes off him.

"Fuck that, I say we talk to him now, and ask if we can sleep at his house tonight!" Yoroi said, no-one in the team really getting what she was going for with that sentence.

"I say we just fuck him in the street now." Kabuto said, her hands making a honking motion, and her mouth salivating…

(With Naruto)

The young blonde looked around himself, then to the setting sun.

"I swear I could've heard girls chattering in some dark alley about some things I really shouldn't be hearing from girls in a dark alley. Probably just my imagination though." The Jinchuuriki thought aloud to himself, as he opened a bag he was carrying and looked inside.

The first item he'd collected that day was an armada of paper airplanes from someone with blue hair. He didn't know if she knew he could see her, but neither party seemed to care. Naruto unravelled the first note.

"I know we've only known each other for a little less than forty-five minutes, but my heart tells me you're the one. I'd really, really, really like to talk, some time. Sincerely, your Blue-Haired Angel."

And at the bottom was a little love heart, made from origami.

Naruto thought the gesture was sweet, yet extremely odd. He decided to pretend like he didn't notice the woman, lest her lovely letters be a trap for something sinister.

The next item he'd collected was a little clay sculpture someone had left on the corner of a street near the Hokage Monument. The only reason he took it was it clearly looked like someone had left it for him. Inscribed on the base of the sculpture of him and a cute blonde woman was "Yours, always!"

Again, a sweet gesture, but one he was extremely confused by and wary of.

The third item was a series of raunchy pictures that he couldn't realistically hold in public.

Naruto arrived to his house, sat the bag down, and retrieved the images from it, before going to his bedroom and locking his door. Looking out his window, then folding the blinds in, he took a glance at the racy photos.

The first was one with a woman with white hair and a fantastic body, in a seductive pose with a black robe barely covering her privates.

The second was of a woman with a face cloth, and some scarring to her body. Naruto, being the horny teenager he was, didn't care about the scars, and saw another beautiful woman posing with another black cloth.

The third image held no class at all, but did have a message on the back.

"We secretly love you and we're part of a criminal organisation. There's some other chicks with us who love you too, but, eh. Come and make us your sex-slaves sometime. Love, Hidan & Kakuzu."

Naruto gulped.

Surely, this wasn't meant for him, was it?

He read the message again, and noticed a footnote.

"Meant for the blonde kid who looks a little depressed on the inside. The kid with whisker marks, and messy hair. The Kyuubi Jinchuuriki. The Fourth Hokage's son." It read. Never mind how Hidan and Kakuzu knew of Naruto's lineage.

Naruto blanked for a moment.

"…The Old Man said weird things would start happening soon…" Naruto reminded himself, before dimming the lights a little.

Yes, it seemed the Chunin Exams would make Naruto's life interesting – but for better, or worse?

Only time would tell.

(Somewhere, hidden in the bowels of Konoha)

Silence and darkness permeated the dark and, funnily enough, silent room in which a legendary ninja rested. She sat at a table, a dim light source giving bare illumination to the walls, which were covered, head to toe, in photographs.

Photographs of a little blonde boy, who'd lost his way in the world.

The woman looked to these various images – a sick album of the boy's life, from his birth, to his cute, cuddly, toddler years, to his mischievous time at the Ninja Academy, to his existence now. The woman took a deep breath and sighed, looking at a particular photo of the boy sitting sadly on a swing outside the Academy, watching others being taken home by their parents.

"Soon… Soon, all your pain, sadness, woe, and your sufferings will mean naught, Naruto. The dawn of reckoning will wash over this town, like a cleansing wave, and-" The elderly woman began monologue-ing, before one of her operatives barged in her door.

"Excuse me, Leader! Operative Sai has finally come back from her investigation of-" Torune began, holding an extremely important mission report in her hand. She saw the old woman scramble to cover up the photos quickly, before she ashamedly turned her gaze the other way.

"WHAT!? I-I-I WASN'T DOING ANYTHING!"

"My apologies, Leader! I didn't just see you talking to yourself whilst looking at the pictures of the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki again, if that is any consolation!" Torune yelled back to her leader, covering her eyes as Danzo flushed and began tearing down the photos.

"KNOCK NEXT TIME, TORUNE!" Danzo yelled, finally getting her walls covered again. She _really_ needed to investigate getting privacy seals for situations like this.

"Yes, Leader!" Torune yelled back, picking up a stray photo that had fallen to the ground. It was an image of Naruto showering, of his body, barely covered up by the suds of…

"Hey, this is pretty cute-"

"GET OUT, TORUNE!" Danzo yelled, snatching the photo back and kicking her out of the dark room, before slamming the door shut.

"For fuck's sake, can't a legendary leader of a covert assassination and espionage organisation get some privacy?" Danzo asked herself, sighing heavily.

* * *

><p>AN: I know I'm a tease. Sex scenes in the next chapter, hopefully.


	3. MOODY GRIMDARK ANGST UGH MOM

A/N: I should really reiterate at this point that this is a PARODY PARODY bumdiddling PARODY PARODY fic. Not that I'm saying that you, the audience, can't remember stuff, but it's just that it's been over three thousand years since I've updated this.

* * *

><p>Team 7 drudged through the Forbidden Forest, as part of the second part of the Chunin Exams. They had made a fair distance into the forests without any attack from fellow ninja or beast, and nightfall was closing in. Naruto, being the unofficial team leader, stopped, and looked around a clearing they had stumbled across.<p>

"Hmm… We'll make camp here." He said, not noticing any traps or other, spying ninja.

(High in the trees)

Itachi, being the emotionally numbed woman she was, sat on a massive tree branch on a proportionally massive tree, overlooking Naruto's progress.

"He's not very bright. Though I am seeing why everyone else adores him." She said to her partner, who stood on the same branch with furtive interest in the young Uzumaki. Kisame sighed and nodded.

"Yup. It's absolutely entrancing just watching him try. You know I caught him training yesterday?" Kisame said back to her partner. Itachi gave the pale-skinned, sharp-teethed, well-armed shark-woman a questioning glance.

"Oh? How'd that turn out?" She asked. Kisame giggled a little, remembering the session.

"I actually ended up cloaking myself and whispering things into his ear. As he was doing some conditioning, I bet him that he wouldn't be able to punch a tree in half." Kisame said with a smirk. Itachi's confused look grew as if to ask Kisame to continue.

"Anyway, he disregards the fact that there's this invisible voice telling him things, like it's a common occurrence for him, and he ends up trying it." She said, trying to hold back her laughter so that Team 7 wouldn't hear, below.

"…Go on…" Itachi said, with a circling hand motion.

"He breaks his hand. That chakra from the Kyuubi ended up healing him pretty quickly though. B-b-but the funniest thing happened after that…" Kisame began, REALLY holding back her laughter at this point. The tiniest smirk appeared on Itachi's face at her partner's contagious laughter.

"What?"

"He grabs his hand, screams, and looks back in my general direction, right? A-and th-then… And then he says "Fuck you, voice! I'll break every last goddamn tree in this area!" And then… And then he does it again! Ends up making quite a big mark in the wood, though." Kisame said, allowing herself to cackle quietly, rubbing a tear away from her eye afterwards. Itachi shared a small laugh.

"So, how'd he end up doing?" The Uchiha asked. Kisame stifled her laughter and sighed.

"Pretty well. Ended up breaking every bone in both hands, though." Kisame answered, Itachi giving a nod in acknowledgement.

"Alright, then. I think the readers have had enough of us padding the story's length, now." Itachi said, changing scene to something a little less grey.

(Back with Team 7)

"Alright, I'll go and search for animals we can eat. Sasuke, you set up camp, and Sakura, you keep watch and set traps when Sasuke's done." Naruto ordered.

"Alright." Sasuke mumbled under his breath.

"Sure, Naruto." The pink-haired she-witch-harpy of North Bitchtown responded with an obviously fake smile.

And so, Naruto went out to search for food, with the other two doing what they were told.

(Some time later)

Naruto's searched proved fruitless after about 15 minutes of mindless wandering in the forests, so he was about to return to camp, right before his nose caught scent of something odd.

He sniffed, and his nostrils twitched.

The smell smelled like… Chouji, and Shikamaru. But something was off about it. The scent smelled… feminine.

(With Team… whatever the fuck team they are)

"Oh fuck!" Shikamaru yelled, _**HER**_ rear smacking against Chouji's _**FEMALE**_ rear as they mutually masturbated with a double-ended dildo. The Akimichi massaged her own breasts and toyed with her clitoris, thinking of her crush.

Want to take a guess on who this crush was?

I'll give you a bit. Shouldn't take long, anyway.

Correct, it was Naruto. Nice guess. I'm sure it was tough coming up with that answer, huh?

"Jesus! Just a bit more, Shi-kaaaaa…" Chouji whimpered to herself as Shikamaru thrust back with one end of the masturbatory aid inside her tight cunt. It was this noise that drew the attention of a certain knucklehead.

(With Naruto)

After following the trail of the scent, and the accompanying sound, Naruto came to the outside of the tent which contained two thirds of Team 10. The moans only served to confuse Naruto, being the sexually uneducated teen he was.

And, being the doubly curious soul he was, Naruto decided to peek on what the flying fuck was happening inside the tent.

Because, let's be honest, that'd help out the rest of us in understanding this story.

So, with a quick zip, Naruto was met with a shocking sight, to say the least. Two women, stripped, bare naked, were bent over, facing away from each other, raggedly smacking their equally large asses against one another. Naruto could also barely see a long dildo with two ends inside both girls.

His eyes went wide, and his heart rate increased a hundred-fold, as his cheeks reddened with an intensity that'd make the Kool-Aid guy swoon.

'_Is… Are these two… Shikamaru and Chouji?'_ He asked himself in a state of shock.

At the very same time, Shikamaru came down from her almost-orgasm and went wide-eyed as well. She looked to the entrance of the tent and saw the object of her affection, kneeling down awkwardly with his gaping jaw displaying his level of shock and shock and utter disbelief.

Really, this situation was pretty jarring.

"What the fuck…" Naruto mumbled to himself. Chouji stopped her movements to look where Shikamaru was looking, and became flustered very quickly.

"Oh, shit…" Muttered Shikamaru. As if it were some movie-moment, time slowed down long enough for Shikamaru to think.

'_He's seen us… There's… There's no going back. All in.'_ And with a nod to Chouji, Shikamaru slid off the sex toy and dragged Naruto into the tent, before stripping him. As she was doing this, Chouji lustfully and lovingly kissed and caressed Naruto's hard, naked body, then going after his first kiss.

Naruto, on the other hand, blushed like a madman, not really doing much besides attempting to kiss Chouji back. He took the moment in, and didn't realise that Shikamaru had flipped him on his back, and that she was now straddling him, rubbing her folds up against his 120 inch-

Hold up… 120 inches… Would kill a person…

-His 12-inch cock, which apparently could change size. Naruto didn't know what it was that he felt then, but he didn't want said unknown feeling to end. Shikamaru placed her hands on Naruto's toned chest and began slowly rubbing herself up and down the blonde's length, preparing herself to be stretched. As she did this, Chouji kissed Naruto again, moving his hands to cop a feel of her large breasts, and to fondle her sex.

Very soon, Shikamaru and pierced herself upon Naruto, and started moaning and wailing louder than before. Naruto unknowingly began thrusting upwards to match Shikamaru's rhythm, and was able to insert himself slightly deeper within her. Naruto felt his loins stir, and Shikmaru felt her release coming.

Because, no matter the partners, nor the circumstances, nor the setting; people in a sex scene will always ejaculate at the same time.

Al.

Fucking.

Ways.

Naruto's moans and groans became louder as he felt Shikamaru's grip tighten on his length, with Chouji eagerly waiting for her sloppy seconds.

"FUCKING HELL!" Shikamaru yelled, collapsing onto Naruto's chest as she came with the force of a thousand suns. Naruto groaned loudly and felt himself release into Shikamaru's pussy.

They laid like that, for a while, before Chouji unceremoniously moved Shikamaru off Naruto, and assumed the same position she did, graciously impaling herself on Naruto's still hardened rod.

Because, if it's a sex scene, than the partners will always be up for rounds 2, 3, fuck, all up to round 1000! Because fuck logic!

Logic is for pussies, anyways!

And speaking of pussies, Chouji had been flipped onto her back, and was having hers pounded swiftly by Naruto, who was able to (SOMEHOW) slide _all_ 12 inches of his penis inside and outside of the Akimichi woman in a space of less than a second without destroying the poor girl.

Needless to say, and disregarding all pain a human being might've felt, Chouji was on cloud 9 with pleasure. Naruto had even gained the confidence to kiss her back and to grope her breasts of his own accord. It was like instinct to him at this point, because every character that was ever in a sex scene, including various versions of Naruto himself were supposed to be sex gods, even if they had little to no experience in said field.

"Almost… THERE!" Chouji yelled, squirting her vaginal juices in an impressive arc onto Naruto's sweaty body. Naruto then collapsed onto the two bedrolls the girls had set up, and began catching his breath.

As he did so, Chouji and Shikamaru curled up and wrapped themselves around the Jinchuuriki in an odd embrace, with Shikamaru idly rubbing his little whisker-marks. Naruto eventually caught his breath and laid on his back, awkwardly trying not to make eye-contact with the two women. Shikamaru kissed him on the lips and cupped a hand on his cheek as she did so, staring into his baby blue eyes dreamily and sighing afterwards.

"I love you, Naruto…" She said, giving him one more little peck, before Chouji moved and did the same.

"Love you." She said simply, her cheeky smile and their confessions warming Naruto's heart – but also taking him by surprise.

Because, at this point, you've got to realise that yeah, _you_ know that every girl in this story loves Naruto, but _he_ doesn't know. And, as that was the case, Naruto was shocked.

_Deeply_ shocked. He'd just had his world rocked twice in a row, and now these two vaguely familiar-looking female versions of his friends tell him that they love him?

"H-h-huh?" He stammered, deeply flushed and blushing wildly. Shikamaru, in a rare bout of emotion, and feeling the need to explain, explained.

"We love you. We've loved you ever since we met you in our days at the Academy." Shikamaru explained, wanting to move the… "plot" onwards. Naruto gasped, then, fuelled by passions and love, kissed Shikamaru on the lips of his own accord. After letting a stray tear of happiness escape his eye, he broke from her lips, and turned his gaze to Chouji, who'd already closed the distance between themselves, and pressed her lips against his.

"I love you both, too." Naruto replied genuinely. No, he didn't have long standing, unbroken feelings of love for the both of them, seeing as he only met them a few minutes ago, but he did love them back for reasons the writer of this story doesn't get paid enough to write.

Mainly due to loneliness.

So, after that display of heartfelt love and affection, Naruto laid back down on the makeshift beds, and Shikamaru & Chouji tightly curled up to him, hugging their long-time crush as firmly as they could, resting their heads on his chest and soon falling asleep. Naruto sighed softly and felt another tear escape his eye, as he wrapped his arms around the girls tight.

'_Finally.'_ He thought.

'_I'm not alone anymore…'_

(Later on)

Shikamaru awoke quietly, remembering what had just occurred no less than twenty minutes ago. She smiled, and blushed hotly, remembering the sensation of being with Naruto.

The lazy Nara genius looked to Naruto, who had a big, dumb grin on his face as he dreamt, probably of a family life with the two women he'd just bedded. She smiled and silently giggled, putting her head back down to rest.

However, something was bugging her, which she couldn't shake.

She, Chouji, and a few other people in the village had been hiding their true identities from the public. She'd known about Chouji since they'd been friends, and she'd found out the others' disguises in the village through sheer detective work and casual interest.

Each had their own reasons for doing so, as did she and Chouji.

It had been a warning to them from their parents ever since they were young.

(Flashback)

"Now remember – If the Council ever finds out that you're a girl, they'll take you away from us and make you into a sex slave. We don't want that." Shikamaru's mother told her, in the sealed and heavily disguised privacy of their own home.

Shikamaru nodded feverishly.

(Bashflack)

Man, the council sounded like assholes.

So, up until a few minutes ago, she and Chouji had been successful, and had avoided that terrible fate.

But now, Naruto had found out. She could've asked the young blonde to keep the secret, but he would've told someone sooner or later, being the loudmouth he was. There was only one way to keep the secret, and Shikamaru hated it. Swallowing deeply, the young woman closed her eyes and kissed Naruto on the lips softly.

"Love you… I-I'm sorry." She said, taking a deep sniff and shivering at the musk of the young man.

"Isshhh… Noproblem… La you toooo…" Naruto replied to Shikamaru sleepily, before going back to his shallow snoring. Shikamaru deftly woke Chouji, and informed her of what they had to do.

In the meantime, Naruto had wonderful dreams of spending the rest of his life as Hokage with his two wives and seventy children, gallivanting happily.

(Ten minutes later)

Naruto woke up, feeling well rested. He yawned, and stretched, hoping to feel the two heads of Chouji & Shikamaru resting against his bare torso. Instead, he found that he was clothed, and that the lazy duo were both clothed, and sitting atop a fallen tree trunk.

Naruto could see that they looked like guys again, which confused him to a befuddling degree. Shikamaru pretended to act shocked when Naruto woke up, and casually walked towards him with her hands in her pockets, disguised as her male persona.

"Feeling better? You were wandering around our camp, and you tripped and knocked yourself out." Shikamaru asked and explained as best she could, attempting to bullshit Naruto. Naruto rubbed his head, but couldn't feel any sore spots, nor could he feel and bruising or cuts on his body.

Feeling a creepy vibe, he then tried to sniff out scents of any evidence of sex beforehand, and mentally examined himself.

'_Was… Was that all just a dream?' _Naruto asked himself mentally, shaking his head and looking back to the lazy genius.

"Y-yeah, I'm fine." Naruto said, getting up slowly, just in case he had any injuries. Feeling nothing, he then looked to both of the ninja awkwardly.

"Alright… I'll be getting back to my camp now. See you two soon, huh?" He chuckled, waving goodbye to them both. As he made a fair distance out of their site, he tried to sniff the air again, and this time tried physically examining himself for any traces of love-making.

Finding nothing, Naruto continued to walk, although, at a slower pace, so he could think clearly.

'_Huh. Must've been a dream.'_ Thought the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki. He tried to ignore the feeling of sadness that washed over him afterwards.

'_So… That means nothing changed, then. Guess I'm still alone. Apparently lonely enough to imagine something like people changing their genders and wanting to have sex with me because they've had long standing crushes on me.'_ He continued to think, ignoring the few tears that fell, which he quickly wiped away.

Yep, he was back to being all alone.

Without parents.

In a shitty apartment that was constantly breaking down.

In a town with a population that hated his guts.

Naruto stopped, and gritted his teeth, feeling the hot tears trickle down his cheeks.

'_It… How… Why did it feel so real? Why… Why did it have to be a dream?'_ He thought, falling to his knees and metaphorically giving up. Years of repressed, lonely memories came up and dragged tears from his eyes, as Naruto began to cry, and cry, and cry.

(From a distance, up in the trees)

Now this was shitty.

Anko, the proctor for this portion of the Chunin Exams had come to observe the young boy.

Why, you ask?

Well, Naruto's mother was actually Anko's sensei. She pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed as she looked back to her partner in the Konohagakure T&I department; Ibiki.

"I remember way back when – where Kushina-sensei taught me the most valuable lesson that I still hold to my heart this day…" Anko mused as she looked down upon the weeping, hurting boy.

(Flashback)

Kushina Uzumaki – the Red-Headed, Hot-Blooded Habanero of Konohagakure knelt in front of the six year old Anko, who had made a brief stop near the woman's household to ask her for something. Kushina finished tying the last knot on Anko's shoes and smiled at the kunoichi-to-be.

"There you go, Anko. Remember; loop, loop, twist, pull! It's as simple as that." She said, tapping her head, making her smile as well.

"Thanks, sensei!" Anko said, hugging the woman, before gallivanting off into the village to bug Orochimaru some more. Kushina cringed a little inwardly at the title, but nonetheless waved at the girl and bid her goodbyes.

(oh yea)

"Okay, you have to let that go. All she did was teach you how to tie your fucking shoes." Ibiki sighed, bumping Anko on the head. Anko growled, and shot a kick straight up at Ibiki's jaw, making the scarred woman fall backwards on the tree log.

"And they're the best damn tied shoes in this whole village!" She yelled, admiring the knots on her boot as Ibiki stood up and groaned angrily. Ibiki then pushed Anko off the large tree branch and watched her yelp, then quickly regain her balance mid-air, catching the lower branch and pulling herself up.

Ibiki sighed sadly when she looked at the weeping boy, thinking of what she wanted to do to save him from his troubled life. She then looked down at Anko with a judging glare.

"You didn't know Kushina-sensei the way _I_ did. She was the woman who made me into what I am today…" Ibiki thought, probably initiating another flashback.

(Flashback)

Yup.

"Here you go, Ibiki. Your handwriting will improve in no time!" Kushina said, to the struggling student at the Ninja Academy. The eight year old Ibiki beamed at her new friend and smiled a thankful smile.

"Thank you, Kushina-sensei! I'll use this power wisely!" She said, then writing down hundreds of new, improved notes with her fuzzy green pencil, in beautiful cursive.

Kushina cringed inwardly again, outwardly giving a polite chuckle.

"It's no problem, Ibiki. Good luck with becoming a genin!" The redhead said, leaving quickly, with a wave.

(ugh)

"I still have that fuzzy green pencil, you know…" Ibiki said, opening her hand and revealing the grand stub that was the remains of her lead pencil, that was withered with age. She closed her palm, and brought her fist to her chest, looking down towards Naruto.

Both women looked down at the boy. Both, for some mindboggling reason, loved him. Both had silently protected him for years, as a favour to their old sensei, after she died. When they had first met him in their daily observations together, they knew it was love that made them keep him safe.

But they were bound, as proctors of the Chunin Exams, not to interfere.

They stood there, shaking with rage directed at many, including themselves, staring at the tortured boy.

(Similarly, in a different area)

Ayame & Teuchi Ichiraku; Ramen Masters. The two had been observing Naruto like many others had, since the beginning of the Chunin Exams, eagerly watching his every move. Now, in this state, all they could do was watch as Naruto balled his eyes out, trying to numb the pain of emotional crippling-ness with ignorance.

It was heart-breaking to watch, amplified so by the fact that they were unable to interfere and aid the poor boy.

"Ayame, listen: When he comes back from this, we'll make him a special batch of ramen, and we'll tell him. Then, we can comfort him as much as you want." Teuchi said, in her revealed female form, wrapping her daughter in a hug to soothe her own sadness.

Ayame nodded into her mother's shoulder, unable to speak through the tears that were freely flowing. Teuchi spared a sorrowful and regretful glance towards the Uzumaki boy who had suffered so much.

(Down, below)

Shikamaru felt her heart break. She tried to look away from Naruto, having silently followed him along with Chouji, but she was unable to resist. Looking at him, she could see that he was close to his breaking point.

So many times where he had faced impossible odds, he had remained resilient. Now it appeared that this was the straw that shattered the camel's bone structure, as one might say.

She saw him, bent over, on his knees, crying and weeping at the crushing and crippling loneliness that had permeated his life for so long.

(Nearby)

"What's that, Baiu?" Shigure, leader of team Shigure from Ame asked, referring to the violin her teammate wielded.

"I don't know. I just found this in perfect condition on the forest floor." The diminutive ninja shrugged, beginning to play a sombre theme.

Midare began to tear up, sniffing as the tune continued, hitting her teammate on the head as a sign to stop the bullshit.

"Come on. I'm all bummed out now. All I can think about is being killed by a psycho from another village who has family issues and an ancient beast made from chakra sealed inside them…" She said, dragging her teammates away from their current position, with Baiu still relentlessly playing her sombre theme.

(Ahem)

Seriously, take two minutes out of your time reading this to verify that those are actual characters from this series, who are actually in the Chunin Exams.

Funny that an author would actually get their information correct for once, huh?

(With Naruto)

Unable to bear it any longer, Shikamaru ran to Naruto's side, still disguised in her male form.

"Naruto? What happened?" She asked quickly, pretending to check for injuries. Naruto gained his composure and shakily stood.

"Several years of abandonment, emotional alienation and isolation happened." Naruto said, wiping the gathered tears off his face. He then trudged to a clearing in the forest that was heavily dense and thick with dangerous creatures.

At least, he attempted to, before Shikamaru stopped him, confused and shocked at what Naruto had just said.

"W-what do you mean? What are you doing!?" She asked. Naruto stared straight ahead, not wanting to look in the eyes of the lazy genius.

"I'm going to kill myself. I think the entire fucking world has made it clear that I'm not wanted nor needed… So I'm going to let myself be torn apart by the beasts of the forest." Naruto said mournfully, slowly shuffling towards the clearing only to be stopped by Shikamaru again. As Naruto felt her grip tighten, he stared back into the eyes of his friend.

Then it was that Shikamaru saw Naruto, truly broken and beaten down for what felt like the last time by life. Looking into the two orbs of reflection she previously saw as beautiful vibrant blues, now gave her a cold, dead, destroyed stare.

"Why are you trying to stop me, Shikamaru? You've made it clear that you don't care about me, so what's the point of this?" Naruto asked her, with tears still escaping his eyes. Shikamaru's grip faltered and she resisted breaking down into tears herself.

"W-w-why… Why do you want to kill yourself?" She asked. Naruto looked towards the dangerous area of the forest, then back to Shikamaru.

"Should I list the reasons why?" He asked her, silence as his response, taken as a cue to continue.

"My life is a sixteen year-long wreck of pain and sadness. Until I was five years old, I was nothing to the world. It was only until I was discovered by the Old Man in some back alley that I had my first contact with another human being." Naruto said, shaking Shikamaru's grip off his arm, but showing no sign of walking to the danger zone.

He sighed, and steadied his breathing.

"Of course, that didn't mean anything. I was sent to live in an orphanage for a few years. And when it was made clear that I wasn't going to be adopted by anyone soon, the Old Man gave me a shitty apartment. For the first few nights, I couldn't sleep because I thought monsters were everywhere and trying to eat me. Having no mom or dad, I ended up crying myself to sleep every night and waking up every morning exhausted." Naruto said, recalling in graphic detail his chilling experience.

In the bushes, an entity from another universe was checking things on a checklist titled "Generic Angst Driven Protagonist Fanfiction Checklist".

"Man, he is just blazing through these. Not bad." Said the entity, chuckling to themself.

"I was thrown into a world that didn't want me. As soon as I stepped into that Academy, I knew I was going to be alone for the rest of my life." Naruto said, looking into the distance and sighing as tears ran down his face, remembering his first day.

(ugh)

"Hi, it's nice to meet you, Naruto! I'm Sakura Haruno!" The trampslut greeted Naruto, who happily greeted back.

"H-h-h-h-h-h-h-hello, N-n-Naruto-kun… Nice to meet you…" The clearly infatuated Hyuuga heiress greeted the new boy she'd stalked before formally.

"Hey, buddy! It's my first day here, too! Would you like to be best friends?" Kiba, in her disguised male form asked the timid Naruto.

(ugh2)

"Alone. A lone, lonely loner…" Naruto mused to himself.

"The way most would cope with this situation would be to turned to loved ones, family, that sort of thing. I didn't have that honour. My parents had long since either abandoned me or died, so if I had girl problems, friend problems, if I was hurt or sick, or if I wanted the warmth and compassion of another human being, I was shit outta luck." Naruto said, beginning to tear up again. Shikamaru stood horrified, absorbing the morose information as the entity in the bushes was.

"B-but what about the Hokage? Ayame and Teuchi? What about Kakashi and Iruka? What about your friends?" Shikamaru asked, maintaining her composure. Naruto chuckled as bitterly as an angst-driven protagonist could. (Which was pretty bitter, let me tell you).

"The Hokage sees me out of courtesy. Sure, he'll drop in on my birthday or when I'm training to see my progress, but it's only so he can keep an eye on his precious Tailed Beast…" The tortured blonde said with a harsh spit.

(In the Hokage's Office)

Hiruzen, in _**HER**_ revealed, female form, let her jaw drop as her pipe fell from her mouth in shock and sadness, holding the magic crystal ball in her hands.

"Hey, that's not true at all!" She said sadly, truly caring for the boy.

(With Naruto)

"I'm Ayame and Teuchi's fucking meal ticket. I spend most of my time and money there, whatever scraps I get from an allowance and missions, anyway. It's the cheapest source of food, and they're the only place that'll serve me. So they've gotten chummy with me so drain me of my cash." Naruto went on.

(In the trees)

"Now that's just not fucking tru-!" Teuchi began to yell through tears, before Ayame put a hand over her mouth.

(With Naruto)

"Kakashi's my teacher, and that's it. He doesn't care about me, doesn't visit me, and only barely tolerates my presence. He's paid to supervise me and train Sasuke by the council, not to give a shit." Naruto continued, sparking the continued laughter of the entity in the bushes.

"Well, I'll be, he managed to work in both the Council and Sasuke in there as well. This guy is good!" The entity chuckled again, ticking the checklist.

(In the trees again)

Kakashi felt tears slip from her eyes as she looked on at Naruto.

"It sounds worse when _you_ say it…" She mumbled.

(With Naruto)

"Iruka? He was my teacher a while back, and nothing more. He said himself he didn't like me because I had the Nine-Tails sealed inside me." Naruto finished, the tears fresh in his eyes as he continued to step towards the dangerous area of the forest.

"In my entire life, I never had a person tell me they loved me." Naruto confessed softly, tears flowing freely as he held his arms out.

"The only ever people to say so were fucking dreams I made up in my head. Stupid, stupid dreams that could've only been dreamt up by the loneliest man on the planet." He finished as he took the final steps towards the clearing.

"NARUTO! STOP!" Chouji yelled at the top of her lungs, with tears burning her eyes as she stood out from behind a tree. Naruto looked back to the disguised woman with a dark disinterest and gave a cold stare.

"Why should I? At least in death I'd be ridding the world of a waste of space. Don't start treating me like a friend now. We had like what, two scenes together in the anime? Three chapters of the manga?" Naruto asked sarcastically, before turning back.

"I'll be dead, and in death I'll be rid of loneliness, of emotion…" Naruto said and repeated to himself, sobbing and weeping with every step he took.

Shikamaru stood, shocked, her mind working beyond the speed of light to deduce what she could've done to stop Naruto. Through the choked tears, she could only think of one thing to do.

She rushed to him, yanked his arm back and smashed her lips to his, dispelling her disguise and revealing the female form which Naruto could only barely recognise.

What he did register was the taste of her soft lips; so familiar it was. Naruto's tears stopped until his brain caught up cognitively with his bodily sensations. He broke away from her and sputtered.

"What the hell is this!? Is this some kind of fucking joke to you, Shikamaru?" Naruto asked, more tears erupting from his eyes. Shikamaru, in her female form, shook her head vigorously.

"No, it's not! This is who I truly am, Naruto. I really do love you!" She yelled to him, laying her soul bare.

Naruto really wanted to believe her.

He wanted to pretend like the last few minutes of his life just happened so he could live with her in blissful ignorance, but he was not easily swayed.

"No… It's a lie… You told me it was a dream. You… You don't love me." Naruto said, with rage and sadness and anger and woe filling up his very person entirely.

Chouji stepped further and revealed herself as well, her eyes red from weeping.

"She's not lying, Naruto. We love you. We wanted you to think it was a dream because… Because if others knew… We-We'd be taken away!" Chouji tried to reason with him, witnessing as Naruto's eyes worriedly shifted from one of them to the other and back, trying to call their bluff so he could end his life.

* * *

><p>CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE<p>

* * *

><p>Does Naruto:<p>

**A. **Accept them both again, despite being hurt for no reasonable reason?

**B. **Reject them and become AWESOME!?

**Option B:**

"…No! It's not true! It's impossible!" Naruto said in a rage, transforming into Kyubi and killing every1.

He den revertd bak to a human, but now he has long, spiky black hair with red tips and fifteen different kinds of byakugan and sharingan and rinnegan and now he killed the Akatsuki.

Also he's an avenger not the superhero kind but the cool angsy kind.

Also I'm in the story as a cool sidekick who has sex a lot.

But every1 was sad in this ending.

**Option A:**

"It's… You're not lying, are you?" Naruto asked them, with a massive sadness being lifted from him.

Shikamaru and Chouji shook their heads and rushed to hug Naruto, Chouji taking his lips in a kiss as Naruto began to cry away his pain, being held in the arms of the two women he knew now who loved him. Chouji broke away from the kiss and sighed happily as she looked into Naruto's eyes, holding him tightly.

Naruto's lips were then taken by Shikamaru, who hurriedly and passionately held and kissed the boy, whose view on life reverted back to its usual cheery side quickly.

He broke away and sighed shakily, still with tears in his eyes.

Well, it seemed that things were beginning to look up for the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki.

This option is canon within this story of non-canon-ness. Eat shit, fanboys.

(Some years later)

Naruto, Hokage of Konohagakure, laid in bed with two of his many wives hugging his sides, as they rested in a post-coital bliss.

"It was worth the nightmarish realisation of crippling loneliness to arrive at this point in my life." He said aloud, happily, rubbing the pregnant chests of his wives tenderly, kissing Chouji and Shikamaru on the lips, before resting.

(Back then)

Naruto stopped for a moment to consider something:

If these two of his friends were disguised as women his entire life, could that mean that other people had hid their true identities from him?

If so, who, and how?

Ah, he was probably just being insane again. There were probably no other women disguised as men in his little, weird world, right?

Right?

* * *

><p>AN: I should probably mention that this is not the end of the series.


End file.
